Philophobia. The fear of love, I am always aware of love as an agent that causes pain. Pain that any rational beings become irrational. That someone smart becomes weak. Yes, this is how powerful love can be. Much would I say a weapon of mass destruction, something I must avoid. Yes, I’ve been avoiding love countless of times I am a woman who thinks that in 20 chances of life 5 are pros and 15 are cons so I must avoid this crazy thing they called life. I’m in to several relationships but I never let someone enter in the most restricted area of my life…my heart. I build a lot of walls, I rationalize every actions and every emotions so everything around me is justifiable and existence of love is nowhere. I became tough, tough in a way that words coming out of my mouth to people who is good to me became my sword that pierce into them. I am aware of it, I am aware of the big walls I build to people near me. I am secretive and I hide my self inside where no one can ever go through. Yet unluckily almost 3 years ago, I met someone never been my type, never been someone I imagine that would break every walls I’ve made. This person have gone to the toughest obstacle I put and still struggling now yet telling me he loves someone like me. So I let him in, I let this person swayed me and I got swayed easily for the first time in my life I become selfless not like before, I started to care for him and forgot myself in the process. He became my world, and the empress sitting in here iron throne loses it’s power, I become weak and helpless. I became human, I feel pain, I feel disappointment and I become someone I am afraid of becoming one day. I became paranoid, paranoid that the one I cherish most will betray me and live me hanging. I am anxious of the future, because I wanted to be with him. I become neurotic in my own assessment become someone needy which isn’t what I used to be. Love consumes my very existence, love vanish the power of control I hold into myself. Love husts me the most, not the person but love…love unleashed the real girl behind the queens throne, the queen who acts tough, might and strong is just a girl who really craves for love. I don’t really fear love, I don’t really avoid love because I am afraid I might turn into someone I am not. I avoid love because it might release the real me… the person who needs a lot of love, because ever since love hurts her most.
99It’s been a year since I posted something here, sugar and spice was supposed to be my online diary an outlet of every emotions I am keeping the only friend I trust and who won’t even dare to judge me. My pit of all hidden emotions my group which keeps me sane. Yes, I am back here again my friend that means I am again down and can’t contain the feelings I have anymore.
I’m a bit of confusions right now, I am in a bit of disappointment of some failed plans and promises of someone dear to me. I am anxious about the future we tend to make, and now I am in the street alone in the dark cold night nowhere to go because the person who walks with me in this path chooses another, chooses another uncertain road.
I am stressed in a way that people don’t always go with the plan, when they don’t think of any cons their actions might result to. I am always cautious because I know how hard it is to fail and how much failure means. If you fail your entire life changes, your world is shaken so every inch of our move must be planned, must be in accordance on the 99% probability it won’t fail.
We are not getting any younger and what we do now affects our future. Can’t understand other people trying to grab the concept of happiness, living contentment searching for something exciting and enjoyment when infact life is lay in front of their very eyes. Happiness is already there, they just need contentment and appreciate every blessing that comes there way.
Bad choices leads us to somewhere, some gets something good but many gets a lot of bad.
I used to be too hard on you, you almost gave up but you keep it all together that is why I have grown to love you. I have made up my mind that I will be doing my best to love you and I’ll be may walls this time. You asked me ta make you my world, my everything. You asked me to prioritize you and make you my number and yes I did. For the first time my life revolves on someone, to you only you. I was consumed by love transformed by fear of losing you. I become toxic and even me can’t take being me. You asked for it, I just give you everything your are asking for now, you are complaining that’s why I’ve decided to take it all out little by little, those feelings I’ve once poured into you I am taking it all out coming back into me. So much for I love you now, I am getting a grasp with my self slowly. So much for the full investment of feelings, so much for the love…I am stopping now. I will and I can. I have made up my mind.
I still remember why I started having this blog, one emotion is raging unto me that time…it was sadness and loneliness. I feel so empty time and I am not the type of person who tells everyone that I feel sad and lonely because no one would ever believe that someone as positive and strong like me do ever feel the pain. Honestly if you ask people about me they would say I’m 101 % resilient, a total positive jock and a happy person. But that’s not me, not the real me it is just what I wanted people to think I am. Now one one would believe me if I am in pain, no one would listen in me when I tell them I am sad and lonely about life. No one would believe me I am pressured and frustrated, no one ever dares to believe….even the people who told me they love me. Now I am feeling sad and depressed about life, I hated myself for along time. Been left by my own father so I never believe love do exist my entire life, I’ve been provided by things I needed but I never felt that I was loved genuinely…it was that I was loved and provided only because I am there responsibility. There’s never been a happy home like other people but this is home for me. I was alone my entire life, I never trusted people and I don’t trust myself. I closed myself in a world where I am the only one who knew my self. I’ve hurt two amazing person because of my selfishness I hurt that one person who loves me, I never appreciated the love he gave because I never see that it’s his way of loving. I choose to break his heart in order to free mine. I broke the heart of my best friend who used to be my moon during my dark times. I choose to break his heart in order to save mine again. I am selfish I see love as weakness and can cause vulnerability. I see love as nothing but can cause your functioning disable. Yes, I am lonely because I am denying and refusing love to save me from greater pain it may cause someday. And those two moved on with their lives, I myself found someone and this time I became open, he is the first person who enters my world…the first person I’ve told everything…and the first person I am so attached with. He became my world…my everything. But he has lot to carry on his shoulder and I think he can’t make me his world. I’ve been possessive, been paranoid and been guarded feeling this love won’t work. This investment will only lead me to pain that I’ve been avoiding for so long. I am sad, yes I love this person so much and I think I am losing him..and I am losing myself as well. I am losing to myself. I am losing to hatred. Hatred in myself. Sucks to be a child born without love, I guess.
I don’t trust peoples’words that’s why if I trust someone it’s heartbreaking for me if they disappoint me. I’m used of living alone, I am used of believing I don’t need someone to love and depend on..I am my own independent and strong woman. Yet I become vulnerable because I fall from something I avoided for too long. Karma maybe, I hurt many people, people who gave me the love and affection and I rejected them all. Now I am emotionally drained from someone I loved. Take it from a child who never feel being loved her whole life. Life for me is hard, people may see I’m living a good life but I’m just living in an empty shell my life is empty . Sometimes I wished I would disappear.
I’m still trapped in the darkest corner of my life. Don’t even know, don’t even get why that darkness keeps pulling me towards into it. Do I deserve to be there? or can I reach the light shinning right in front of me? Obviously I wanted to break free, wanted to break this darkness in me…yet I can’t, can’t easily bid farewell to the darkness that gives me loneliness yet saves me from pain. Will I embrace numbness or will I experience variety of emotions? I don’t know. I want to.
I love my boyfriend so much. hahaha swerte ko sa’yo