So much for I love you

I used to be too hard on you, you almost gave up but you keep it all together that is why I have grown to love you. I have made up my mind that I will be doing my best to love you and I’ll be may walls this time. You asked me ta make you my world, my everything. You asked me to prioritize you and make you my number and yes I did. For the first time my life revolves on someone, to you only you. I was consumed by love transformed by fear of losing you. I become toxic and even me can’t take being me. You asked for it, I just give you everything your are asking for now, you are complaining that’s why I’ve decided to take it all out little by little, those feelings I’ve once poured into you I am taking it all out coming back into me. So much for I love you now, I am getting a grasp with my self slowly. So much for the full investment of feelings, so much for the love…I am stopping now. I will and I can. I have made up my mind.

Happy Anniversary WordPress

I still remember why I started having this blog, one emotion is raging unto me that time…it was sadness and loneliness. I feel so empty time and I am not the type of person who tells everyone that I feel sad and lonely because no one would ever believe that someone as positive and strong like me do ever feel the pain. Honestly if you ask people about me they would say I’m 101 % resilient, a total positive jock and a happy person. But that’s not me, not the real me it is just what I wanted people to think I am. Now one one would believe me if I am in pain, no one would listen in me when I tell them I am sad and lonely about life. No one would believe me I am pressured and frustrated, no one ever dares to believe….even the people who told me they love me. Now I am feeling sad and depressed about life, I hated myself for along time. Been left by my own father so I never believe love do exist my entire life, I’ve been provided by things I needed but I never felt that I was loved genuinely…it was that I was loved and provided only because I am there responsibility. There’s never been a happy home like other people but this is home for me. I was alone my entire life, I never trusted people and I don’t trust myself. I closed myself in a world where I am the only one who knew my self. I’ve hurt two amazing person because of my selfishness I hurt that one person who loves me, I never appreciated the love he gave because I never see that it’s his way of loving. I choose to break his heart in order to free mine. I broke the heart of my best friend who used to be my moon during my dark times. I choose to break his heart in order to save mine again. I am selfish I see love as weakness and can cause vulnerability. I see love as nothing but can cause your functioning disable. Yes, I am lonely because I am denying and refusing love to save me from greater pain it may cause someday. And those two moved on with their lives, I myself found someone and this time I became open, he is the first person who enters my world…the first person I’ve told everything…and the first person I am so attached with. He became my world…my everything. But he has lot to carry on his shoulder and I think he can’t make me his world. I’ve been possessive, been paranoid and been guarded feeling this love won’t work. This investment will only lead me to pain that I’ve been avoiding for so long. I am sad, yes I love this person so much and I think I am losing him..and I am losing myself as well. I am losing to myself. I am losing to hatred. Hatred in myself. Sucks to be a child born without love, I guess.

Drained

I don’t trust peoples’words that’s why if I trust someone it’s heartbreaking for me if they disappoint me. I’m used of living alone, I am used of believing I don’t need someone to love and depend on..I am my own independent and strong woman. Yet I become vulnerable because I fall from something I avoided for too long. Karma maybe, I hurt many people, people who gave me the love and affection and I rejected them all. Now I am emotionally drained from someone I loved. Take it from a child who never feel being loved her whole life. Life for me is hard, people may see I’m living a good life but I’m just living in an empty shell my life is empty . Sometimes I wished I would disappear.

Dark

I’m still trapped in the darkest corner of my life. Don’t even know, don’t even get why that darkness keeps pulling me towards into it. Do I deserve to be there? or can I reach the light shinning right in front of me? Obviously I wanted to break free, wanted to break this darkness in me…yet I can’t, can’t easily bid farewell to the darkness that gives me loneliness yet saves me from pain. Will I embrace numbness or will I experience variety of emotions? I don’t know. I want to.

What it takes to wait (editing stage)

I once have this unrequited love somehow to one person close to me, he once love me too but I turned him down and the moment I realize I think I feel the same way that person has been hurt so badly by me. I was his first love I guess and the cliche I’ve been everyone’s first love and I am this heartless and playful manipulative one who never think of love as something solid. And yes, before I realize it was too late and I can’t take my pride of from turning him down…luckily that person stayed by my side even he hates me and told me he won’t trust his feelings on me again, that guy never left. I’ve been in relationships and he is so, yet we still have those moments of calmness within each other we I never felt awkward telling him my problems and long dramas. I am never brave nor strong as anyone sees me, he is the only person who I manage to take my mask off…he is the only person who knows how skeptic I get, how weak and dramatic I get but it never bothers me. All along having him is worth it than having a boyfriend. He is all I need that’s what I thought yet I never manage to tell him what I feel for him. Why? because I am confuse, even it’s clear I still am not sure if it’s romantic love and I won’t bet our friendship to risky and awkward situation on confessing my confuse feelings.  He was like the moon to me, that best guy friend who never left my side during those dark cold nights…that person who is there even dark days of my life. He’s totally my moon who shines in my darkest our that cold guy yet never leaves your side that’s him. We made a deal, we will be together if we graduate from college and still we both stay single. Yes, we graduated and both are single…something between us blooms like each of us is waiting for a certain chance to make the moment perfect that’s what I felt before. Yet I am not sure. Not sure if I am willing to let go of that certain person and go to the next line. I waited. I never confess. Then someone finally came along, that someone was a bright sunshine into my life…he brought another and bright new perspective into me. He is warm and even distance goes between I can still feel how warm he can be. That person was definitely the sun and even brighter than the sun that’s him. And for that short period of time knowing the sun I fall for him and that was a sure thing no doubts and no hesitation, it was clear as the bright blue sky. Being with him is the best thing ever happened into me and I am glad I waited for the moon, if I never waited and become impulsive of what I feel maybe I won’t able to meet the sun and I won’t be this happy right now. So for young people out there…just wait for the right moment, wait till fate leads you to someone, somehow we will meet several people along the way who will touch our hearts, people who seems perfectly in us people we might think as of the one. But believe me, trust your feelings, the right guy will come and you just know actually both know you are for each other. You’ll definitely feel it somehow.

To The Best Friend I Once Have Before

Things between us might have change a lot now, I know I am the main reason why things between us changes. From the start I am the one who made a huge mistake, I am the one who’s been a coward and O am the one who’s been indecisive yet you are there all  along, your presence never makes me lonely…not even a single bit and I am grateful to have a special person like you. Lucky me. Not having a relationship when everyone has never concerns me, believe me all those years I am contented of having you..only you. Thank you for all the long years of being with me, the times when I was down and lonely, those moments you encourage and protect me from choosing a boyfriend I appreciate and I will cherish them all. I know I am not the most special person in your life right now and you are not in me too. Things has greatly change we both have our special people to cherish and I understand because I am the first one to let go. Thank you so much for everything for being my bestfriend for a very lone time for being my emotional pillow and my energy…being my inspiration and being there to guide me for choosing the right guy. You will always be my special friend and that won’t change. Thank you for letting me hold into you until I found him. Thank you for everything even now.

Happy Birthday 🙂