Philophobia. The fear of love, I am always aware of love as an agent that causes pain. Pain that any rational beings become irrational. That someone smart becomes weak. Yes, this is how powerful love can be. Much would I say a weapon of mass destruction, something I must avoid. Yes, I’ve been avoiding love countless of times I am a woman who thinks that in 20 chances of life 5 are pros and 15 are cons so I must avoid this crazy thing they called life. I’m in to several relationships but I never let someone enter in the most restricted area of my life…my heart. I build a lot of walls, I rationalize every actions and every emotions so everything around me is justifiable and existence of love is nowhere. I became tough, tough in a way that words coming out of my mouth to people who is good to me became my sword that pierce into them. I am aware of it, I am aware of the big walls I build to people near me. I am secretive and I hide my self inside where no one can ever go through. Yet unluckily almost 3 years ago, I met someone never been my type, never been someone I imagine that would break every walls I’ve made. This person have gone to the toughest obstacle I put and still struggling now yet telling me he loves someone like me. So I let him in, I let this person swayed me and I got swayed easily for the first time in my life I become selfless not like before, I started to care for him and forgot myself in the process. He became my world, and the empress sitting in here iron throne loses it’s power, I become weak and helpless. I became human, I feel pain, I feel disappointment and I become someone I am afraid of becoming one day. I became paranoid, paranoid that the one I cherish most will betray me and live me hanging. I am anxious of the future, because I wanted to be with him. I become neurotic in my own assessment become someone needy which isn’t what I used to be. Love consumes my very existence, love vanish the power of control I hold into myself. Love husts me the most, not the person but love…love unleashed the real girl behind the queens throne, the queen who acts tough, might and strong is just a girl who really craves for love. I don’t really fear love, I don’t really avoid love because I am afraid I might turn into someone I am not. I avoid love because it might release the real me… the person who needs a lot of love, because ever since love hurts her most.
Happy Monthsary 😃
Hey Babe! Yehey we did it we lasted a month! I know we don’t get to see each other much. But being apart for now doesn’t change the way I feel about you in my heart. Sure I’m lonely, and sometimes I’m overwhelmed with this emptiness. But, just remember that I love you and everything about you. That’s what gets me through every minute of every day that I’m without you. I long to hold you and feel your love. I hope that we can turn it into another month or even years in the future, and I know it isn’t possible. Babe thank you for loving me, and for staying so cool and understanding even I have lots of unwanted attitudes into you. Thank you for being this so patient and so sweet boyfriend. Honestly you are the best babe
I never thought that you would be this important to me, to think we were just high school acquaintances and you never put interest in me as long as I can remember. I never thought I’d be captured by your chickboy lines. You make me feel loved, you make me feel safe, but more importantly, you make me feel wanted. You are my soul mate, my best friend, my inspiration, and my love. Having your love has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t care what others say about you and me. All I know is that I love you, and that will never change.
“THE BEST THING”. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I can only say this once and will never be again, but to you alone. I love you so much that I can’t imagine, you are the smile in my face…the tears in my eyes…you are the thoughts in my mind and my dream every night…you will never be anyone but you will always be my only one MAN. I will love you no matter what ’til the end of time. I love you so much babe.
I don’t usually feel the miles between us, but for some reason, tonight I do. I miss you babe, with every fiber of my being …. It’s not often that we find ourselves with so much time in between conversations but we still try to manage anyways. And as we knew from the beginning, life was going to interfere sometimes. But that’s when I remember just how blessed we truly are for the time that we do spend together our late chats and conversation over the phone makes it all more special, and I can only be grateful.
In times like this when I start to reflect on just how much you mean to me. That despite the thousands of miles between us, no two hearts could ever be closer. Not only do I feel blessed, but… I feel like I have been divinely favored. Out of all the people in the world, it’s as if God had picked you, just for me.
Just know EG that I love you. Yesterday, right this second, tomorrow, and all the days of my life it will always be you.
I wanted to tell you how much I love you. Even though we won’t see each other for hundred of days, it will be worth it. I want to spend every second of my life with you, but unfortunately we will have to wait for that to be a possibility. I promise that you won’t regret waiting because I will always love you more than any other person could love you and I mean it. So wait for me while I’ll wait for you too…okay?
God has got his own reasons for us to meet and come this far. But I hope our love will flourish beyond what it is right now. Distance maybe just a part of the reason why sometimes I think we can’t handle this whole relationship, sorry for being so negative about us all the time… but I am sure our love for each other is way far stronger than any oceans can come across. And I am hopeful of that now.
I may not be the perfect girlfriend you imagine me to be, but I wanted to assure you that behind all my imperfection I will always love you perfectly babe. I will surely not ruin our relationship and I will surely protect this love we had for each other. You mean everything to me. You are the best thing that happened into my life.
Thank you for loving me so much, appreciate it much and believe me I feel your love more than what you think. Sorry for being such a spoiled and pain in the ass girl friend most of the time. Sorry for being much of the negative thinker in our relationship, and sorry for worrying and thank you for the 100% patience babe, you may be right it’s hard to love a girl like me but I think you are getting used of loving me now.
I will always be yours no matter what the world turns out to be. My heart will always yearning for your love and care forever. I love you always.
Missing you Babe so much!!!! I guess what I’m saying is that before you, it seemed that I had nothing, and now I feel I have it all. And it is all due to you and you alone. Well, I should probably say that I love you and miss you and that this has got to be harder than anything that I have ever done, being this close to you but yet so far away. I love you Babe. You are my world. Life wouldn’t be life if not shared with you. We may be far away from each other for now, but you have my heart and my love. And I know that I have yours, too.
HAPPY MONTHSARY Babe (1 month and still counting)
He is an ideal guy; he is the guy most girls would want. He is responsible, intelligent, loyal and serious. He is the perfect husband to be with, a perfect man that makes you sleep well at night. He always has plans and goals and that’s what the best about him is. He loves music and he sings well, if he sings in front of you seems flowers are blooming. He gets jealous easily but don’t get mad it’s just he is afraid that you will be snatched away from him. He does make corny jokes sometimes and just laugh with it, if he laugh just laugh along with him. If you got an argument be the one to loosen your pride and talk to him, it’s just he is too shy or seems he doesn’t want to express his feelings well. Never get disappointed if he doesn’t tell he love u everyday it’s just he is really like that but he treasured you a lot. If he tells you he is in love with you then he really is, he isn’t that showy as other guys do he doesn’t like PDA but he is so sweet and childish if it just the two of you. He likes songs a lot, and he wants to compose his own just go along with what he like I’m sure you’ll get used to it. He is simple, shy and thoughtful and the best in him is he will love you with all his heart. Always tell him you love him, and always call or text him so he wouldn’t feel his alone. He doesn’t like eating fast food he love home cook meals so learned to cook well. He takes a bath almost 3 times a day so don’t be surprised. Never compare him to anybody he hates that. When things go wrong between you both hold on, he is a fine descent man and you wouldn’t find someone like him. Love him with all your heart and make him happy,always be with him all the time.
In times I lost somethings, I try to trace back every actions and steps I made so I can retrieve what I missed.
The hard things is I an still remember that moment where I lost you. it’s too painful and it’s to tedious, chaotic and unnecessary. Maybe because I know precisely where I misplaced you, but what I cant do is to dispose this feelings that I have for you formally.
It was a rough journey especially when I know that no one can help me about this. I know exactly what to do, but I have no guts to do it because I’m afraid that losing this memory will make me lose a part of me too.
For deep inside my heart, you are the best memory of love I ever had. The moment with you is how i felt what love really is.
Someone came along, but I am not yet ready, it takes time to heal, more than the physical would that bleeds, this feeling keeps bleeding even though it heals slowly every day.
But everything was all my fault, letting you go was part o my selfishness and cowardness. I made that mistake and it’s an erasable scare.
Could I say I am over you, Yes. But the thought of my feelings I shared with you, No.
I like how I felt, I miss that, but every time I try to feel it again with someone else, it brings you back. And I cant have you back again. No, not this time.
I lost my chance from the love I once wanted to tell you before. I lost the chance to be with you, for not telling you how I felt. For the most painful love is the love you’ve never tried to fight a love you never do an effort so.
I’ve learned a lot from what happened. I have recuperated and I am so much better now. Sure, from time to time, it aches still, but it’s tolerable now, I can smile again, I can laugh again. I am myself again.
One day at a time, I will be perfectly fine, I’ll buffer back to a hundred percent and I will be able to love again.
I will never rush things anymore because I know that all things worth having is worth the wait.
So long my almost lover…
Love will always be there… somewhere… It’s not really for me to find, but for me to encounter at the right place and at the right time.
Someday, you’ll find someone special again. People who’ve been in love usually do. It’s in their nature. Everybody deserves someone who makes them look forward to tomorrow. Sometimes the right person for you was there all along. You just didn’t see it because the wrong person was blocking your sight. Don’t give up on love, because there is always someone who loves you. Even if it’s not the person you were hoping for. :]
I can’t remember the day when I started feeling tough, I can’t really recall those days I was a little girl, so found of happiness and love. I can’t remember when I have decided not to get too much attachment to people and not to care. I can’t remember. But I know I have decided to throw my heart away. In times I feel like I need to go back time and get were I place and throw my heart. I wanted somehow to collect all the pieces of my heart that I have thrown away. But again I thought that I have thrown my heart for a reason, I become this way for a much bigger reason and I know it’s for the goodness of myself. Yes, I am numb, apathetic to others and I am frank…I tell people what I think was right and must. I am strict and I only believe in second chances, I am more logical than instinctive. I am more idealistic and somehow more morale. I mad myself, strong, tough, wise, emotionless, positive and independent. I polish those skills so I can live alone and I can depend on myslef more. That is the reason why I throw my heart away, because I am afraid to lose myself in loving and caring. I don’t trust human capabilities to stay and love someone. I don’t believe in people’s feelings because I myself once have been foolish and stupid and it didn’t get well in handling people. Now I believe I am wise and tested through times. I may wish to have those feelings, to reach out for people and to show someone I love them, but this is the path that I am taking now, and the moment you throw your heart away I guess there’s no taking back.
“THERE’S NO RIGHT IF I CHOOSE MY HEART SO I CHOOSE TO LEFT”
He is online, and he liked my status which is hours ago.
Does it mean he’s checking on my account?
He used to like my stat and when he do, I would chat him and thank him, it’s been a routine since then.
But I stopped I realize something, I need to stay away and act uninterested in some point.
Why? because I don’t want to assume, that there is something behind his goodness in me. I don’t want to give any gesture a deeper meaning…much more or less I don’t want to fall because I know he won’t catch me if that happens. Why I know? Well, I just know.
So, before any foolishness and drama happens I just stop…but every time I see him online and liking my stat, I sometimes think of clicking his name and chat him.
But may other part would say to choose the safe and yet boring path. What to do? Well, I just writing everything, hoping sooner or later this crushing over him will disappear.
Best way though. 🙂