Letter From The Heart

This I know From the Heart

I found this letter on one of my boxes. I used to write letters for someone before and I never have the chance to hand it on to him. So here it is

Hey,

How are you?  It’s my birthday… and I guess you are so busy so you don’t have that much of time to greet me or worst you forgot about it. I misses you so badly but I just told myself I’ll never bother or need you form now on. I have to fix my emotions not needing you by my side. Yes, I am so strong and stubborn but I get so vulnerable when you’re there. Having you makes my feeling calmer…crying so hard makes me feel lighter. You are always the sun in my life before that’s why I misses you a lot.

I’ve made mistakes before…mistakes that made you go away. I told myself not to let go of you when you come back and now I am taking care of this friendship we have.

I love you…I was and I am deeply in love with you. I don’t know for sure if what kind of love it is but one thing I know it’s the love that I can sacrifice everything just to make you stay even I am just a freaking bestfriend.

I can live with this role forever as long as you won’t kick me out in your life. You mean everything to me making me think that I don’t need a boyfriend as long as you are there. I love everything about you even you aren’t that ideal man.

I like the way you smile…the way you love your bangs so much even before. I like the way you tease me and laugh at me. I like how you call me weird names and the childish act you always have.

I can’t forget the times you used to send voice messages, every time you called,  the time you told me you love me. I can’t forget every bondings we have the talks  and all.

But most of all I can’t forget the guilt and pain I have when I hurt you and let the man I love go… you don’t know how much it hurts and how much hatred I put into myself from not choosing you… if only I could bring back time. If only I could undo the decisions I’ve made. If only there is still a love left for you. If only I was brave enough. If only I was so desperate to push everything at stake. If only you let me into your heart again…if only.  That though crossed into me but I’ll never dare to push through it.

Because the thing is, I am a coward… I am logical and realistic…i hold to much on my emotions to be hidden. I have this bad habit and it keeps holding me…so I guess I’ll love you from behind then or I’ll be loving you in a different way though. Cause honestly I think this feeling is not fully in a romantic way…I still have selfish feelings behind. Maybe I just can’t move on with those complicated feelings because I still feel so guilty, you never really said anything to me, I know you are mad back then but I never hear or know any confrontations from you.

Regrets

In this life things won’t always come and go…sometimes we stuck on some corner of our past wishing things we did can change this causes as not to move on. Remorse is the poison of life according to Charlotte Bronte, every remorse we have for the things we did and didn’t chain us from the past and eats up the present we have.

But for me, my worst regret is the thing I haven’t done…the thing I never put a single effort for it to work. The moment I was eaten by fear and selfishness that was the time and the biggest regret eating to me up to now. Crazy right? I haven’t moved on from that mistake…because up until now I am holding to something and hoping that it would come back even it wouldn’t. 

Dear New Girl

He is an ideal guy; he is the guy most girls would want. He is responsible, intelligent, loyal and serious.  He is the perfect husband to be with, a perfect man that makes you sleep well at night. He always has plans and goals and that’s what the best about him is. He loves music and he sings well, if he sings in front of you seems flowers are blooming.  He gets jealous easily but don’t get mad it’s just he is afraid that you will be snatched away from him. He does make corny jokes sometimes and just laugh with it, if he laugh just laugh along with him. If you got an argument be the one to loosen your pride and talk to him, it’s just he is too shy or seems he doesn’t want to express his feelings well.  Never get disappointed if he doesn’t tell he love u everyday it’s just he is really like that but he treasured you a lot. If he tells you he is in love with you then he really is, he isn’t that showy as other guys do he doesn’t like PDA but he is so sweet and childish if it just the two of you. He likes songs a lot, and he wants to compose his own just go along with what he like I’m sure you’ll get used to it. He is simple, shy and thoughtful and the best in him is he will love you with all his heart. Always tell him you love him, and always call or text him so he wouldn’t feel his alone. He doesn’t like eating fast food he love home cook meals so learned to cook well. He takes a bath almost 3 times a day so don’t be surprised. Never compare him to anybody he hates that.   When things go wrong between you both hold on, he is a fine descent man and you wouldn’t find someone like him.  Love him with all your heart and make him happy,always be with him all the time.

You let go of My Hand First

You let go of My Hand First

I believe in love, I believe how amazing it is putting two people together among those billions of people around the globe we are given a chance to meet someone who is willing to spend the rest of their lives with us.  That is not just it, for with love we can feel that we are the happiness person living, it give us hope, courage and strength to do things and overcome our fears. That how amazing love is.  

I was once in love, in love with the ideal person, for me he is the perfect guy and until now he is still the perfect guy. I love his responsible attitude, his loyalty and his intelligence. For me he was the perfect husband to be.  We have this blissful relationship before and for me everything was so perfect and I was like living into a fairytale or in a dream. But as other relationships would go we have so many ups and downs, confusions and insecurities, doubts and jealousy.  But we still able to manage to be strong and hold on, we have lots of arguments, lots of breakups but still we even manage to find our way back with each othesr side.  I am neither perfect nor a good girlfriend but I was always willing to give up, to change and do something for our relationship even I lost my own pride. But time came we both cant hold it on anymore, lots of hurtful words came out and he let go of my hand.  I believe he was mad that night keeping lots of arguments comparing him, and saying something but I only did that to make our relationship better. On that night on I decided not to reach for his hand anymore, I got tired and I realize that if a person truly loves you, he will never let go of your hand easily and he will always keep believing in you no matter how hard the situation or argument you both are into.  Also, if the person really cares for the relationship he won’t cut it so easily.  It is just relationships are likely finger nails if it grows cut the nails not the finger, if its in love cut the misunderstanding and not the relationship.

Now I’m happy, happy for this new journey, a new chapter to begin with. A new happiness and excitement awaits for me in this new book of my life. I may not know where or how my life would go through but now. I am glad I didn’t reach out his hands again for a hundred times.  Now I am starting to live by myself no shadow of him and opening my heart to someone who will reach out his hands for me.  Willing to know me more inside and out and is willing to do what it takes to keep our relationship strong and won’t let go of my hand for such a damn stupid argument.  If you didn’t let go of my hand I wouldn’t find someone like him, so thanks by the way.

You let go of me first, I want to hold on but I realize I always keep holding on now I’ll let go everything about us.  Just don’t put any grudges into me because I once love you than anyone else even myself.