This I know From the Heart
I found this letter on one of my boxes. I used to write letters for someone before and I never have the chance to hand it on to him. So here it is
How are you? It’s my birthday… and I guess you are so busy so you don’t have that much of time to greet me or worst you forgot about it. I misses you so badly but I just told myself I’ll never bother or need you form now on. I have to fix my emotions not needing you by my side. Yes, I am so strong and stubborn but I get so vulnerable when you’re there. Having you makes my feeling calmer…crying so hard makes me feel lighter. You are always the sun in my life before that’s why I misses you a lot.
I’ve made mistakes before…mistakes that made you go away. I told myself not to let go of you when you come back and now I am taking care of this friendship we have.
I love you…I was and I am deeply in love with you. I don’t know for sure if what kind of love it is but one thing I know it’s the love that I can sacrifice everything just to make you stay even I am just a freaking bestfriend.
I can live with this role forever as long as you won’t kick me out in your life. You mean everything to me making me think that I don’t need a boyfriend as long as you are there. I love everything about you even you aren’t that ideal man.
I like the way you smile…the way you love your bangs so much even before. I like the way you tease me and laugh at me. I like how you call me weird names and the childish act you always have.
I can’t forget the times you used to send voice messages, every time you called, the time you told me you love me. I can’t forget every bondings we have the talks and all.
But most of all I can’t forget the guilt and pain I have when I hurt you and let the man I love go… you don’t know how much it hurts and how much hatred I put into myself from not choosing you… if only I could bring back time. If only I could undo the decisions I’ve made. If only there is still a love left for you. If only I was brave enough. If only I was so desperate to push everything at stake. If only you let me into your heart again…if only. That though crossed into me but I’ll never dare to push through it.
Because the thing is, I am a coward… I am logical and realistic…i hold to much on my emotions to be hidden. I have this bad habit and it keeps holding me…so I guess I’ll love you from behind then or I’ll be loving you in a different way though. Cause honestly I think this feeling is not fully in a romantic way…I still have selfish feelings behind. Maybe I just can’t move on with those complicated feelings because I still feel so guilty, you never really said anything to me, I know you are mad back then but I never hear or know any confrontations from you.