Love Hurts

Philophobia. The fear of love, I am always aware of love as an agent that causes pain. Pain that any rational beings become irrational. That someone smart becomes weak. Yes, this is how powerful love can be. Much would I say a weapon of mass destruction, something I must avoid. Yes, I’ve been avoiding love countless of times I am a woman who thinks that in 20 chances of life 5 are pros and 15 are cons so I must avoid this crazy thing they called life.  I’m in to several relationships but I never let someone enter in the most restricted area of my life…my heart. I build a lot of walls, I rationalize every actions and every emotions so everything around me is justifiable and existence of love is nowhere. I became tough, tough in a way that words coming out of my mouth to people who is good to me became my sword that pierce into them. I am aware of it, I am aware of the big walls I build to people near me. I am secretive and I hide my self inside where no one can ever go through. Yet unluckily almost 3 years ago, I met someone never been my type, never been someone I imagine that would break every walls I’ve made. This person have gone to the toughest obstacle I put and still struggling now yet telling me he loves someone like me. So I let him in, I let this person swayed me and I got swayed easily for the first time in my life I become selfless not like before, I started to care for him and forgot myself in the process. He became my world, and the empress sitting in here iron throne loses it’s power, I become weak and helpless. I became human, I feel pain, I feel disappointment and I become someone I am afraid of becoming one day. I became paranoid, paranoid that the one I cherish most will betray me and live me hanging. I am anxious of the future, because I wanted to be with him. I become neurotic in my own assessment become someone needy which isn’t what I used to be. Love consumes my very existence, love vanish the power of control I hold into myself. Love husts me the most, not the person but love…love unleashed the real girl behind the queens throne, the queen who acts tough, might and strong is just a girl who really craves for love. I don’t really fear love, I don’t really avoid love because I am afraid I might turn into someone I am not. I avoid love because it might release the real me… the person who needs a lot of love, because ever since love hurts her most.

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