” even if I wanted to run away from the awful past,its shadow keeps reaching and pulling me”
How long will, I can take it? How long will, I can endure the pain? I wanted to escape that long long time ago, but I guess I really can’t escape it no matter how much I ran away and keep pushing myself to avoid it I always bump into a corner pushing me and giving me much sadness. I am always label as someone’s ex. G—exgirlffriend the seemingly perfect high school couple before, the inseparable and so. But you people don’t know anything; you people don’t even know what I really feel back then! The hate I have with that person and how much I wanted to escape the toxic relationship. After 5 years I was able to end it for real…and you know what I was happy! I know I hurt him so much and I was guilty of it honestly, but I never regret a thing. Yes! Finally I escape and I am free, so what if you call me bad, unkind or such a waste throwing that so-called precious guy away. So what if he is successful now? Well guys here is the thing I DON’T CARE!!!!. So a big PLEASE, keep my name away from your enemy list- I hate you so much but I don’t step down to a level that is much degrading. Please, if you boy have issues in your life right now don’t ever think of including me in…because I never love you! I never miss you and I don’t care about you. And for everyone, please stop saying that I never move on because I am single and so on…stop putting your shoes on mine because it irritates me so much and you are destroying the happiness I am having at the moment.
P.S ( it is just I am mad at the moment) 😀
People no matter how many times they say they don’t need love: someone to love or someone to love them, But the truth is each of us needs it and it’s reality a basic need it is. I try to experience falling in love like in teen romance novel would be like, like the fairytale and movies would so. At a young age I become so idealistic in falling in love because I never know what love really is what is it’s form or how do I know if it is love then. I begin to set my standards to people I fall with it should be someone taller than me of course, good looking, talented and smart someone I could see better than me in every way. Yes indeed that idealistic view was indeed perfect at first many would envy and wish they were you…but I came to the point I never was happy instead it take my teenage happiness and I was stuck like a firefly inside a jar and my view on falling in love and loving change. I stop being idealistic and I become to embrace reality but reality sucks than ideal and it turned again my view towards love which closes the sympathetic aspects of me towards someone. Now I am in the middle between trust and mistrust among people’s feelings towards me because I know that ideal doesn’t exist in reality and reality really sucks. But still in the bottom of my heart, I wanted to find him…wanted to feel what real love is behind the idealistic and realistic view. I want to know how it feels to be really in love and be really love. But how ca I trust my feelings towards someone or someone’s feelings towards me. Now I was like in a middle of a tag of war, either I hold tight to this rope pulling me or hold tight and stand still because I am afraid to fall and get hurt. Now how will I find this so called other half if I closes my doors and I push people away? Will all this uncertainty eating up my whole system be gone? or will it consume me forever? How?What?Why?When?—-can I find you?
This morning I’ve been thinking of someone that once close to me, well he isn’t my ex boyfriend or any relative of mine. But that person was dear and once was special to me. Sometimes falling inlove and knowing that you are inlove takes too long to realize and fighting and being strong for that love is a dilemma.
I made a wrong decision a long time ago, being afraid to take the risk for someone I know I love. Chances never come again, cause I hurt that person badly and I know it’s my fault because I choose myself than choosing him.
That decision, that thought thinking being with the person you know u love most would only cause me much pain, so I choose not to commit in him. So, I choose to hurt him in order to save myslef but I guess it’s a wrong choice. Why? because sometimes I think of him, I think of what and how could we gone through if atleast we try to be together. I know being just bestfriend would not cause me of being hurt and losing him but sometimes I think if I ever take that risk, if I ever told him what I feel long time ago…things would be different and things would be worth it I guess.
Sometimes, things left untold will keep hunting us n the future, feelings may vanish but the thought of unless you try still remains and would serve as a lesson in life.
Now we label our selves as bestfriends but things is different though and it makes me regret all the stupid decisions and selfishness I made just to save me.
Because it never save me at all, it just give me a minimum amount of pain but a lifetime regrets a scar that can never be erase.