Before Year Ends

I’ve been full of hatred and full of mistrust on things around me and I lose faith on peoples’ feelings. I don’t trust and I don’t believe that is what I have for so long and mostly I don’t invest my feelings genuinely. I changed a lot from that happy and expressive person to a person who suppresses them all.

 Almost 6 years we’ve been and the single thing we are good at is to act well in front of people that we are a good couple and we got the best of both worlds.  I never was happy, even how much I try and pull everything in. I never felt the genuine happiness I wanted because everytime I buried my hatred for you.

The moment we broke up I was so sure of it, the thing inside me is that we never learn to grow while we are together so I come to think that we never are a good help for each other to mature and maybe separately we will grow.

The night I say goodbye…I know I have to stand the decisions I’ve made, but I wish you could give it another try. I was hoping you’ll never give up and give another try before we really say goodbye. But it never happened ‘because you gave up instantly.

I was disappointed, for you but more to myself. Why? Because I’ve been right all along that you are not the person who’ll fight and do everything for me but I still look into possibilities that somehow that thought inside me for five years was wrong. I somehow believe in your words that you are lonely without me and you can’t live without me…but I guess I just fall into that sweet line because you gave me up so easily.

I was mad, mad at you really but more mad to me. You never really knew the real me. You never dare to know about me…you never try to dig in what’s into me. You never wanted to know the me behind the smile and my cool spoiled act. I was mad at myself believing we can grow and be perfect couple, I was mad at myself for wasting my youthful days hoping I’ll have great love story with you.

 

I was full of hate, for you for never believing in me and for hating me so badly and never wanting a truce of all the things we’ve been through. I hated you for throwing everything away and not saving the friendship we once have, I hated you for not being a sport in this game we play together. But, I hated myself for slowly forgiving and missing the moment that we have been through. I miss the moment when I wrote songs and you sang and improve it. I miss the moment we play sports and do karate because neither of us wanted to lose within each other. I miss the moment we used to play child game when we are bored even betting over a phone game. I miss us playing dota, it was fun and I hated myself for still thinking of it.

 

I was sorry, for myself for everything that is gone to waste and spend my time for nothing. But I was sorrier for you, for not believing in us from the start and for not giving you the genuine love you somehow deserve maybe. I was sorry for hurting you so bad if ever I am. I was sorry for the things I’ve done meanly. Mostly I was sorry that I hold on unto us for so long, I should have let go of you earlier.

I am happy, for you that finally you’ll find someone who will love you for sure and you will be happy then. I am happier for myself because finally I am free from your web and finally I get what I wanted.

Yes, this is what I have felt for so long and I never dare to accept it because this feelings sucks. For as how much I am disappointed, mad or hated to you, I was more to myself. I just wanted you to be my friend but you never give it a try to be my friend instead. Maybe if just become good friends before no greater damage would be caused into our lives and I never would still have faith on what love really is.

 

Before this year ends I am now admitting my deepest emotions, I am now letting go of all the hate, sorry, disappointments taht I’ve been keeping all along. 

 

I’ll be now empty with negativity facing this new year. I hope

 

BSG

I was sitting empty headed, you walked in front of me I looked at you and stole some glance at your face. You look nice and soothing and yet you just pass by….you never notice me. I just continue looking at you far from behind. Definitely you make me smile in ways I don’t even know how. Soon I begun to start a routine of looking at your face when you’re there…I try to hide it all in. Little by little I realize I’ve liked you in reasons I don’t know. You were never been my ideal most of all you’ve never been there for me to make me fall for you. I came to realize that this madness I have encoded in my mind can never bring me goodness so I stop looking at your face…but I can’t help to look at you from behind. I make interchanges to move on, to forget these growing and irrational feelings of you inside. Somehow I succeed, succeed to make myself stopped from liking you. But I failed because I still look at you from behind. How I wish I could tell you what I feel, but fear eats me to my very last…reality punches me down before I could try to run after you. Now I am chained in my deepest thought that you can never fall or a girl like me, not even a single admiration is stored for me in your heart. So I’ll stay this way… I moved on, I forget that crazy feelings I once felt for you my blue shirt guy. 

I Wish I Could be Real

I Wish I Could be Real

Some people are blunt; they talk out what they feel and what they think. Many would find them annoying, some would say they are too attention seeker. But for my part, I envy those people who talked what their hearts and mind says. I never have been direct or expressive in feelings I have…I consider crying as a sign of weakness. I don’t my genuine thought and enigmas because I believe that people in nature has tendency to stab us behind. This is what I have in, I wanted to change but I am this proud of that personality and belief for with that I survived up until this day.  There are times I wanted to breakout, crash the walls I build around people, try to be impulsive and be real in what I feel. But fear comes to me first…yes, I am a coward dress in a cloak of a knight.  I am afraid to get hurt, I am afraid to feel pain even I have it inside me. Numb? Maybe that is the word. But I am never numb, I feel the pain inside me…I feel the eagerness to do things but there is a chain inside me holding me from doing and expressing such self. I am alone and forever be…this is what I view my life to be. I don’t dare to care and to love because I need to handle myself first than anyone else. This is the life i choose to live, the life I designed for my design self. I smile but I don’t know if it is real…’coz deep inside me…I WISH I COULD BE REAL.  

Change: Chosen

I wake up in a beautiful dream…as I open my eyes, I was alone. Alone, in the dark and scary woods that even a sound birds and moth was nowhere to be heard. Am I deaf? This is the question I asked for myself. Again I continue to walk and wonder the place I in; different from the beautiful dream I was from. Why did I wake up? Why everything has to turn out this way, why can’t I just sleep and be there than walked into this dark unfamiliar path? Questions are raging into me, despair and fear was all covered up into me. I can never survive in this path, not in this game. Why do I have to be in here? Even I asked for more I can’t do anything but to just go along the path…alone and afraid I begun to trust no one. I began to believe in no one…begun to change what I believe in, that dreams and reality are always parallel. I become stronger and tougher gathered all up in order to survive. This is what people called change…change to survive and change to be able to stand up against all odds life will cost me.