I used to be too hard on you, you almost gave up but you keep it all together that is why I have grown to love you. I have made up my mind that I will be doing my best to love you and I’ll be may walls this time. You asked me ta make you my world, my everything. You asked me to prioritize you and make you my number and yes I did. For the first time my life revolves on someone, to you only you. I was consumed by love transformed by fear of losing you. I become toxic and even me can’t take being me. You asked for it, I just give you everything your are asking for now, you are complaining that’s why I’ve decided to take it all out little by little, those feelings I’ve once poured into you I am taking it all out coming back into me. So much for I love you now, I am getting a grasp with my self slowly. So much for the full investment of feelings, so much for the love…I am stopping now. I will and I can. I have made up my mind.
I still remember why I started having this blog, one emotion is raging unto me that time…it was sadness and loneliness. I feel so empty time and I am not the type of person who tells everyone that I feel sad and lonely because no one would ever believe that someone as positive and strong like me do ever feel the pain. Honestly if you ask people about me they would say I’m 101 % resilient, a total positive jock and a happy person. But that’s not me, not the real me it is just what I wanted people to think I am. Now one one would believe me if I am in pain, no one would listen in me when I tell them I am sad and lonely about life. No one would believe me I am pressured and frustrated, no one ever dares to believe….even the people who told me they love me. Now I am feeling sad and depressed about life, I hated myself for along time. Been left by my own father so I never believe love do exist my entire life, I’ve been provided by things I needed but I never felt that I was loved genuinely…it was that I was loved and provided only because I am there responsibility. There’s never been a happy home like other people but this is home for me. I was alone my entire life, I never trusted people and I don’t trust myself. I closed myself in a world where I am the only one who knew my self. I’ve hurt two amazing person because of my selfishness I hurt that one person who loves me, I never appreciated the love he gave because I never see that it’s his way of loving. I choose to break his heart in order to free mine. I broke the heart of my best friend who used to be my moon during my dark times. I choose to break his heart in order to save mine again. I am selfish I see love as weakness and can cause vulnerability. I see love as nothing but can cause your functioning disable. Yes, I am lonely because I am denying and refusing love to save me from greater pain it may cause someday. And those two moved on with their lives, I myself found someone and this time I became open, he is the first person who enters my world…the first person I’ve told everything…and the first person I am so attached with. He became my world…my everything. But he has lot to carry on his shoulder and I think he can’t make me his world. I’ve been possessive, been paranoid and been guarded feeling this love won’t work. This investment will only lead me to pain that I’ve been avoiding for so long. I am sad, yes I love this person so much and I think I am losing him..and I am losing myself as well. I am losing to myself. I am losing to hatred. Hatred in myself. Sucks to be a child born without love, I guess.