Life is A Battlefield

We often think that life is a constant race of humanity, proving the worth of their existence and a never ending journey for power and fame. This is always part of human evolution who strived for superiority and a thirst for acceptance of the so called high class society.

A high pace race with no finish line, wanting to outrun each other…causing trouble and miseries to people and mostly to our selves.  This is the main reason why people think they fail life. When people give up a single chance of hope and when people drown in despair and self pity towards a race they should never entered.

Because life is simple, life is not a designed to have a race between each other. Life is not designed to outrun and over power someone. Our life is genuinely designed to make this world a better place, with our unique capabilities and personality. We are different from the way we look and think, just like the patter of our finger prints…there will never be something similar as it. We live with a purpose to be happy and to be us.

Life is not a race; it is more of a battlefield. There’s always some kind of turbulence, struggle and challenge in life. Sometimes you’re at war with yourself, sometimes it’s with others.  But life a battlefield of our own mind and how you see and perceive it, how it influences you, and, in the end, you are alone in your own mind and how that affects you. It is the process of mapping the likely consequences of choices, working out the importance of individual factors, and choosing the best course of action to take, following the basic rule on the battlefield “THY KNOW YOURSELF”.

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3R BFF

3R BFF

 

“I screw up being your friend, I screw more being best friend but I screw most being a lover to you long time ago. “

You were something special to me ever since we met, we always come up crazy and funny things together and it never is dull when we are together. You always has been the sun in my life who brightens up my gloomy day and lightens up my heavy load..that’s why I am grateful to have  a best friend like you.

Our relationship screwed up a lot of times and somehow we still manage to get some broken pieces of us before, so I am telling you what is happening to us now.

REUSE, we choose to forget the past…we choose to move on and think that moment when we felt something seems so real between us is just part of a teenage feeling. So, we step out of the shadow of uncertainty about the feeling of being in love from the start and use what was really real into us and it is we are friends…best friends. We use again that endearment of ours as best friends and be just best friends without much of a confusion. I’m glad we reconsider everything.

REDUCE, we become best friends but we never then become best…we reduce the contact and the closeness we once have in the first place. Even I may say we reuse the friendship once we have there is a difference between now and before. Reducing maybe a good idea somehow it slowly helps us to move on and be more aware of the closeness we have and not to fall again. But I miss the old us, I miss how close we were and how much I would want to tell you everything and nag at you over the phone from my life dramas. Trust me my love miseries was all worth it because I have you to comfort me as always. I so sometimes thought before having a broken heart is a present because I know every moment I fall down you’re always there to help me. I miss that so badly.

RECYCLE, this is what I always wanted for us. But I don’t know which part of our live s should I recycle and start over again and I am not even sure if we can recycle our relationship because even how much I look at it from side to side it never isn’t going to work we never really move on to the pain I inflicted into you before. We are broken because of our own proceedings and yet we try and manage to reuse what’s life into us…but we reduce the things that once intact us and trying to recycle it would probably just a dream for me.

I wish healing a broken heart is like proper waste management…we can reuse, reduce and recycle it but it isn’t that easy and it isn’t that fast to forget and forgive and to be cautious again. Loving and maintaining a relationship is hard…harder than anyone would have thought it would be. 

Never Been Better

Never Been Better

This is definitely for you…I know you don’t like me, but you’re decent enough not to say it to my face, so here I am trying to wake myself, stepping out of your shadows and accepting my fate. If it isn’t too tacky, I would ask you a few things before I leave, but I realized that it would hurt more if I knew the reasons why you never considered me though. So let me just cut the hound and utter it out. Tell me, why?

Is it because I am ugly? Fat? Unattractive? Or am I too intolerable? Am I too demanding and too much for attention? Have I been bad to you or have I said something to offend you or turn you off?

You know what, I would definitely wished for you to answer it.

It would be beneficial for my healing, and for me it wouldn’t  add insult to injury if I knew how unlikable I am, somehow it can help me wake up from the self  I think is good enough.

I feel so insecure right now to every girl who gathers up your attention…I never felt fear and defeat this way, to be honest, and I have to gather up myself because you never really considered the things I can do, and not choosing me means missing out on the great moments that I can make memorable. I’m pretty sweet you know I guess you can never see it superficially into me, I like to surprise, but I guess all these surprises I was thinking of giving you would just be reserved for someone who will appreciate it.

I am not bitter, if that is what you think, and this is not me being defensive for so, I just want you to know that I am okay with you not liking me, sure it’s painful for now somehow, but I know one day I’m going to wake up and just laugh about it because I’m going to wake up with someone better at my side. Beside I started everything for a simple childly joke so probably better end it with a side joke as well.

I like you, but I don’t love you. Love is so much different from like, I am infatuated by you for a hundred of attentions I put into you, but my feelings aren’t that strong to roll in the deep despair of losing you.

Sure we could have had it all, but having it all with you isn’t my fate. I know I am good enough for someone who can see who I am, with every baggage I carry on my shoulders, and I am certain that with your baggage right now you have this that and those, you can’t handle mine too.  So yeah, I hope you find someone who can jive in with you naturally.

Maybe you’ve gotten too complacent with my feelings and you’ve lost the challenge of having me because you knew that I am yours, almost.  I guess I am never a challenge to you most guys would love challenges though so maybe your one of those guys. Well, thank you…thank you for not seeing me as a lady but a child. I am mad of you being so good  at me, giving me false hope, saying sweet things to me making me think somehow you’ll fall for me too. Well, definitely some would appreciate that kindness you’ve shown but for me it’s not…I  hated it.

I am a bundle of joy (and drama sometimes) but mostly I laugh at small crazy things that you may think corny and crazy, and as I am writing these, it comes to me one by one, how uptight you are with your life and how I am judging you right now~ Hehe. It’s funny how I can laugh about this now while last night I was really sad about it.

Yes, I am sad, insecure and somehow so negative about having you…because I know I can’t be the girl you will like not now and not in the near future… not forever.  It makes me sad how much you care for me not to get hurt but the thing your kindness kills me each day…giving me more pretentious smile to make my day work.

I know I made this game so long, I somehow thought I couldn’t fell anything somehow but I feel jealous, annoyed and depressed when someone approaches you and you delightly approached them too ‘coz I know I am too far away from the line of choice. Yes, I maybe pathetic but I never consider myself unlucky…maybe this isn’t my time and you aren’t the one. This is what I am thankful instead maybe God is preparing me for someone great and more than you… or maybe still I am just paying my dept form Mr. Karma surely I have lots of paying moments to do.

So chill,  I am not the person who plants grudge and do revenge for not being wanted, That would just be awful, but let me tell you this; at this moment…you being good to me is… NEVER BEEN BETTER.

people I met before would say I’ve change not 10% but a hundred. Somehow I started to smile and laugh beneath my consciousness… because I’ve never changed not a hundred not even a bit. For I just discover the greater and brighter side of life and somehow I understand how life runs. I guess they didn’t just pay attention to the old me before.

I Wish I Could be Real

I Wish I Could be Real

Some people are blunt; they talk out what they feel and what they think. Many would find them annoying, some would say they are too attention seeker. But for my part, I envy those people who talked what their hearts and mind says. I never have been direct or expressive in feelings I have…I consider crying as a sign of weakness. I don’t my genuine thought and enigmas because I believe that people in nature has tendency to stab us behind. This is what I have in, I wanted to change but I am this proud of that personality and belief for with that I survived up until this day.  There are times I wanted to breakout, crash the walls I build around people, try to be impulsive and be real in what I feel. But fear comes to me first…yes, I am a coward dress in a cloak of a knight.  I am afraid to get hurt, I am afraid to feel pain even I have it inside me. Numb? Maybe that is the word. But I am never numb, I feel the pain inside me…I feel the eagerness to do things but there is a chain inside me holding me from doing and expressing such self. I am alone and forever be…this is what I view my life to be. I don’t dare to care and to love because I need to handle myself first than anyone else. This is the life i choose to live, the life I designed for my design self. I smile but I don’t know if it is real…’coz deep inside me…I WISH I COULD BE REAL.  

Miss Say Nothing at All (from a guys’ perspective)

You look to me in the eye, stare like you want to take my breath away. And when I see you smile, it felt like a thousand butterflies. You may think you’re not pretty and skinny but for me you are perfectly fine.

You shine like the sun, sparkle like a diamond and enchant me with a feeling I can’t explain.

I wanted to go near you, talk and make you laugh… but this fear inside me tied me up and locks me down. I pretend not to care, I pretend to be unaware…I am holding myself not to fall for a girl.

Afraid to be dump, afraid to be laugh at, afraid to have mistaken…yes, I am a guy…but I am a scaredy-cat when it comes to you. You never say a thing, you never give a hint…how can I be sure that you’re falling for me too? When all I see is your smiling back at me, so please Miss Say Nothing at all…tell me you care, tell me you dare.  I want to hear it from you and not for the friends you share.  Miss Say Nothing at all just say a little more so I can break this shackle of fright and make me dare to want you more. 

Optimistic Lassie

Optimistic Lassie

I was just another girl who falls for him, another girl who gets my heart broken.

A girl who falls in love and has the story told over and over again. Yes, I am one of those hopeful girls

Who wishes for a beautiful love story and where fairytales do come true.

A story where the main character is me and my prince riding on a white horse becomes real.

Yes, this is me…your one typical girl who laughs out loud.

Who burst out her anger when mad… crazy and gay but the girl who falls deeply in love, THIS IS ME.

I may have failed many times in the attempt to have my own perfect love story, but I won’t give up till I hit the jackpot. I know somehow I can find my own story not the star –crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, nor the Jack and Rose titanic tale. I discern to have my own story not so melodramatic but worth for the rest of my existence.

I know my man is just sitting in the corner, waiting for the right time. I am positive that cupid is ready to shoot his arrow right towards us the moment our paths meet. Yes, definitely God is creating a story for me the best story ever has told that all the wounds of my past will definitely heal and forget. Yes I know it and I can feel it’s somehow coming to me in the near future.

That is why there is no time to give up, no time to feel sorrow and despair. No time of long day of regrets and melancholy but just spend my days being happy and try to restore what has lost along the way. For the battle and quest of love is not an easy voyage it has boundless ups and downs but it’s finish line is for sure the paramount of life for sure. And whatever the journey may be or where-ever we go surely life will bring us to someone that is meant for us to be.

I’ll just keep believing and waiting for the right time. 🙂