Never Been Better

Never Been Better

This is definitely for you…I know you don’t like me, but you’re decent enough not to say it to my face, so here I am trying to wake myself, stepping out of your shadows and accepting my fate. If it isn’t too tacky, I would ask you a few things before I leave, but I realized that it would hurt more if I knew the reasons why you never considered me though. So let me just cut the hound and utter it out. Tell me, why?

Is it because I am ugly? Fat? Unattractive? Or am I too intolerable? Am I too demanding and too much for attention? Have I been bad to you or have I said something to offend you or turn you off?

You know what, I would definitely wished for you to answer it.

It would be beneficial for my healing, and for me it wouldn’t  add insult to injury if I knew how unlikable I am, somehow it can help me wake up from the self  I think is good enough.

I feel so insecure right now to every girl who gathers up your attention…I never felt fear and defeat this way, to be honest, and I have to gather up myself because you never really considered the things I can do, and not choosing me means missing out on the great moments that I can make memorable. I’m pretty sweet you know I guess you can never see it superficially into me, I like to surprise, but I guess all these surprises I was thinking of giving you would just be reserved for someone who will appreciate it.

I am not bitter, if that is what you think, and this is not me being defensive for so, I just want you to know that I am okay with you not liking me, sure it’s painful for now somehow, but I know one day I’m going to wake up and just laugh about it because I’m going to wake up with someone better at my side. Beside I started everything for a simple childly joke so probably better end it with a side joke as well.

I like you, but I don’t love you. Love is so much different from like, I am infatuated by you for a hundred of attentions I put into you, but my feelings aren’t that strong to roll in the deep despair of losing you.

Sure we could have had it all, but having it all with you isn’t my fate. I know I am good enough for someone who can see who I am, with every baggage I carry on my shoulders, and I am certain that with your baggage right now you have this that and those, you can’t handle mine too.  So yeah, I hope you find someone who can jive in with you naturally.

Maybe you’ve gotten too complacent with my feelings and you’ve lost the challenge of having me because you knew that I am yours, almost.  I guess I am never a challenge to you most guys would love challenges though so maybe your one of those guys. Well, thank you…thank you for not seeing me as a lady but a child. I am mad of you being so good  at me, giving me false hope, saying sweet things to me making me think somehow you’ll fall for me too. Well, definitely some would appreciate that kindness you’ve shown but for me it’s not…I  hated it.

I am a bundle of joy (and drama sometimes) but mostly I laugh at small crazy things that you may think corny and crazy, and as I am writing these, it comes to me one by one, how uptight you are with your life and how I am judging you right now~ Hehe. It’s funny how I can laugh about this now while last night I was really sad about it.

Yes, I am sad, insecure and somehow so negative about having you…because I know I can’t be the girl you will like not now and not in the near future… not forever.  It makes me sad how much you care for me not to get hurt but the thing your kindness kills me each day…giving me more pretentious smile to make my day work.

I know I made this game so long, I somehow thought I couldn’t fell anything somehow but I feel jealous, annoyed and depressed when someone approaches you and you delightly approached them too ‘coz I know I am too far away from the line of choice. Yes, I maybe pathetic but I never consider myself unlucky…maybe this isn’t my time and you aren’t the one. This is what I am thankful instead maybe God is preparing me for someone great and more than you… or maybe still I am just paying my dept form Mr. Karma surely I have lots of paying moments to do.

So chill,  I am not the person who plants grudge and do revenge for not being wanted, That would just be awful, but let me tell you this; at this moment…you being good to me is… NEVER BEEN BETTER.

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people I met before would say I’ve change not 10% but a hundred. Somehow I started to smile and laugh beneath my consciousness… because I’ve never changed not a hundred not even a bit. For I just discover the greater and brighter side of life and somehow I understand how life runs. I guess they didn’t just pay attention to the old me before.

Before Year Ends

I’ve been full of hatred and full of mistrust on things around me and I lose faith on peoples’ feelings. I don’t trust and I don’t believe that is what I have for so long and mostly I don’t invest my feelings genuinely. I changed a lot from that happy and expressive person to a person who suppresses them all.

 Almost 6 years we’ve been and the single thing we are good at is to act well in front of people that we are a good couple and we got the best of both worlds.  I never was happy, even how much I try and pull everything in. I never felt the genuine happiness I wanted because everytime I buried my hatred for you.

The moment we broke up I was so sure of it, the thing inside me is that we never learn to grow while we are together so I come to think that we never are a good help for each other to mature and maybe separately we will grow.

The night I say goodbye…I know I have to stand the decisions I’ve made, but I wish you could give it another try. I was hoping you’ll never give up and give another try before we really say goodbye. But it never happened ‘because you gave up instantly.

I was disappointed, for you but more to myself. Why? Because I’ve been right all along that you are not the person who’ll fight and do everything for me but I still look into possibilities that somehow that thought inside me for five years was wrong. I somehow believe in your words that you are lonely without me and you can’t live without me…but I guess I just fall into that sweet line because you gave me up so easily.

I was mad, mad at you really but more mad to me. You never really knew the real me. You never dare to know about me…you never try to dig in what’s into me. You never wanted to know the me behind the smile and my cool spoiled act. I was mad at myself believing we can grow and be perfect couple, I was mad at myself for wasting my youthful days hoping I’ll have great love story with you.

 

I was full of hate, for you for never believing in me and for hating me so badly and never wanting a truce of all the things we’ve been through. I hated you for throwing everything away and not saving the friendship we once have, I hated you for not being a sport in this game we play together. But, I hated myself for slowly forgiving and missing the moment that we have been through. I miss the moment when I wrote songs and you sang and improve it. I miss the moment we play sports and do karate because neither of us wanted to lose within each other. I miss the moment we used to play child game when we are bored even betting over a phone game. I miss us playing dota, it was fun and I hated myself for still thinking of it.

 

I was sorry, for myself for everything that is gone to waste and spend my time for nothing. But I was sorrier for you, for not believing in us from the start and for not giving you the genuine love you somehow deserve maybe. I was sorry for hurting you so bad if ever I am. I was sorry for the things I’ve done meanly. Mostly I was sorry that I hold on unto us for so long, I should have let go of you earlier.

I am happy, for you that finally you’ll find someone who will love you for sure and you will be happy then. I am happier for myself because finally I am free from your web and finally I get what I wanted.

Yes, this is what I have felt for so long and I never dare to accept it because this feelings sucks. For as how much I am disappointed, mad or hated to you, I was more to myself. I just wanted you to be my friend but you never give it a try to be my friend instead. Maybe if just become good friends before no greater damage would be caused into our lives and I never would still have faith on what love really is.

 

Before this year ends I am now admitting my deepest emotions, I am now letting go of all the hate, sorry, disappointments taht I’ve been keeping all along. 

 

I’ll be now empty with negativity facing this new year. I hope

 

Miss Say Nothing at All (from a guys’ perspective)

You look to me in the eye, stare like you want to take my breath away. And when I see you smile, it felt like a thousand butterflies. You may think you’re not pretty and skinny but for me you are perfectly fine.

You shine like the sun, sparkle like a diamond and enchant me with a feeling I can’t explain.

I wanted to go near you, talk and make you laugh… but this fear inside me tied me up and locks me down. I pretend not to care, I pretend to be unaware…I am holding myself not to fall for a girl.

Afraid to be dump, afraid to be laugh at, afraid to have mistaken…yes, I am a guy…but I am a scaredy-cat when it comes to you. You never say a thing, you never give a hint…how can I be sure that you’re falling for me too? When all I see is your smiling back at me, so please Miss Say Nothing at all…tell me you care, tell me you dare.  I want to hear it from you and not for the friends you share.  Miss Say Nothing at all just say a little more so I can break this shackle of fright and make me dare to want you more. 

Optimistic Lassie

Optimistic Lassie

I was just another girl who falls for him, another girl who gets my heart broken.

A girl who falls in love and has the story told over and over again. Yes, I am one of those hopeful girls

Who wishes for a beautiful love story and where fairytales do come true.

A story where the main character is me and my prince riding on a white horse becomes real.

Yes, this is me…your one typical girl who laughs out loud.

Who burst out her anger when mad… crazy and gay but the girl who falls deeply in love, THIS IS ME.

I may have failed many times in the attempt to have my own perfect love story, but I won’t give up till I hit the jackpot. I know somehow I can find my own story not the star –crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet, nor the Jack and Rose titanic tale. I discern to have my own story not so melodramatic but worth for the rest of my existence.

I know my man is just sitting in the corner, waiting for the right time. I am positive that cupid is ready to shoot his arrow right towards us the moment our paths meet. Yes, definitely God is creating a story for me the best story ever has told that all the wounds of my past will definitely heal and forget. Yes I know it and I can feel it’s somehow coming to me in the near future.

That is why there is no time to give up, no time to feel sorrow and despair. No time of long day of regrets and melancholy but just spend my days being happy and try to restore what has lost along the way. For the battle and quest of love is not an easy voyage it has boundless ups and downs but it’s finish line is for sure the paramount of life for sure. And whatever the journey may be or where-ever we go surely life will bring us to someone that is meant for us to be.

I’ll just keep believing and waiting for the right time. 🙂

Heart <3

They say whenever you lost something or misplace something, all you have to do to find it is to go back from your trails. I always do that whenever I lost some of my stuff and luckily I am able to retrieve ever missing item I lost. Well, life is somehow like that, if we are lost we just have to go back to the old road either find a new road again or continue walking in the old road.

But what if while walking you lost your heart? Will you able to retrieve it ? How will you retrieve it? It’s been how many years since I lost mine. Going back I think wouldn’t be a  best idea. Why? Because, I can’t remember the moment and place where I lost my heart.

Sometimes I am think I’ve been too hard for myself, to bitter for love and even my brains wishes for my heart to come back. But I can’t find my heart again, the heart that beats for someone, the heart that loves and understand…the heart pure and true, is nowhere to be found.

 So now, I wonder when will I able to find my heart again?

In The Middle of Uncertainty Will I Find My Other Half?

People no matter how many times they say they don’t need love: someone to love or someone to love them, But the truth is each of us needs it and it’s reality a basic need it is. I try to experience falling in love like in teen romance novel would be like, like the fairytale and movies would so. At a young age I become so idealistic in falling in love because I never know what love really is what is it’s form or how do I know if it is love then.  I begin to set my standards to people I fall with it should be someone taller than me of course, good looking, talented and smart  someone I could see better than me in every way. Yes indeed that idealistic view was indeed perfect at first many would envy and wish they were you…but I came to the point I never was happy instead it take my teenage happiness and I was stuck like a firefly inside a jar and my view on falling in love and loving change. I stop being idealistic and I become to embrace reality but reality sucks than ideal and it turned again my view towards love which closes the sympathetic aspects of me towards someone. Now I am in the middle between trust and mistrust among people’s feelings towards me because I know that ideal doesn’t exist in reality and reality really sucks. But still in the bottom of my heart, I wanted to find him…wanted to feel what real love is behind the idealistic and realistic view. I want to know how it feels to be really in love and be really love. But how ca I trust my feelings towards someone or someone’s feelings towards me. Now I was like in a middle of a tag of war, either I hold tight to this rope pulling me or hold tight and stand still because I am afraid to fall and get hurt. Now how will I find this so called other half if I closes my doors and I push people away? Will all this uncertainty eating up my whole system be gone? or will it consume me forever? How?What?Why?When?—-can I find you?