Before Year Ends

I’ve been full of hatred and full of mistrust on things around me and I lose faith on peoples’ feelings. I don’t trust and I don’t believe that is what I have for so long and mostly I don’t invest my feelings genuinely. I changed a lot from that happy and expressive person to a person who suppresses them all.

 Almost 6 years we’ve been and the single thing we are good at is to act well in front of people that we are a good couple and we got the best of both worlds.  I never was happy, even how much I try and pull everything in. I never felt the genuine happiness I wanted because everytime I buried my hatred for you.

The moment we broke up I was so sure of it, the thing inside me is that we never learn to grow while we are together so I come to think that we never are a good help for each other to mature and maybe separately we will grow.

The night I say goodbye…I know I have to stand the decisions I’ve made, but I wish you could give it another try. I was hoping you’ll never give up and give another try before we really say goodbye. But it never happened ‘because you gave up instantly.

I was disappointed, for you but more to myself. Why? Because I’ve been right all along that you are not the person who’ll fight and do everything for me but I still look into possibilities that somehow that thought inside me for five years was wrong. I somehow believe in your words that you are lonely without me and you can’t live without me…but I guess I just fall into that sweet line because you gave me up so easily.

I was mad, mad at you really but more mad to me. You never really knew the real me. You never dare to know about me…you never try to dig in what’s into me. You never wanted to know the me behind the smile and my cool spoiled act. I was mad at myself believing we can grow and be perfect couple, I was mad at myself for wasting my youthful days hoping I’ll have great love story with you.

 

I was full of hate, for you for never believing in me and for hating me so badly and never wanting a truce of all the things we’ve been through. I hated you for throwing everything away and not saving the friendship we once have, I hated you for not being a sport in this game we play together. But, I hated myself for slowly forgiving and missing the moment that we have been through. I miss the moment when I wrote songs and you sang and improve it. I miss the moment we play sports and do karate because neither of us wanted to lose within each other. I miss the moment we used to play child game when we are bored even betting over a phone game. I miss us playing dota, it was fun and I hated myself for still thinking of it.

 

I was sorry, for myself for everything that is gone to waste and spend my time for nothing. But I was sorrier for you, for not believing in us from the start and for not giving you the genuine love you somehow deserve maybe. I was sorry for hurting you so bad if ever I am. I was sorry for the things I’ve done meanly. Mostly I was sorry that I hold on unto us for so long, I should have let go of you earlier.

I am happy, for you that finally you’ll find someone who will love you for sure and you will be happy then. I am happier for myself because finally I am free from your web and finally I get what I wanted.

Yes, this is what I have felt for so long and I never dare to accept it because this feelings sucks. For as how much I am disappointed, mad or hated to you, I was more to myself. I just wanted you to be my friend but you never give it a try to be my friend instead. Maybe if just become good friends before no greater damage would be caused into our lives and I never would still have faith on what love really is.

 

Before this year ends I am now admitting my deepest emotions, I am now letting go of all the hate, sorry, disappointments taht I’ve been keeping all along. 

 

I’ll be now empty with negativity facing this new year. I hope

 

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Somewhere it Will be There :)

In times I lost somethings, I try to trace back every actions and steps I made so I can retrieve what I missed.

The hard things is I an still remember that moment where I lost you. it’s too painful and it’s to tedious, chaotic and unnecessary. Maybe because I know precisely where I misplaced you, but what I cant do is to dispose this feelings that I have for you formally.

It was a rough journey especially when I know that no one can help me about this. I know exactly what to do, but I have no guts to do it because I’m afraid that losing this memory will make me lose a part of me too.

For deep inside my heart, you are the best memory of love I ever had. The moment with you is how i felt what love really is.

Someone came along, but I am not yet ready, it takes time to heal, more than the physical would that bleeds, this feeling keeps bleeding even though it heals slowly every day.

But everything was all my fault, letting you go was part o my selfishness and cowardness. I made that mistake and it’s an erasable scare.

Could I say I am over you, Yes. But the thought of my feelings I shared with you, No.
I like how I felt, I miss that, but every time I try to feel it again with someone else, it brings you back. And I cant have you back again. No, not this time.

I lost my chance from the love I once wanted to tell you before. I lost the chance to be with you, for not telling you how I felt. For the most painful love is the love you’ve never tried to fight a love you never do an effort so.

I’ve learned a lot from what happened. I have recuperated and I am so much better now. Sure, from time to time, it aches still, but it’s tolerable now, I can smile again, I can laugh again. I am myself again.

One day at a time, I will be perfectly fine, I’ll buffer back to a hundred percent and I will be able to love again.
I will never rush things anymore because I know that all things worth having is worth the wait.

So long my almost lover…
Love will always be there… somewhere… It’s not really for me to find, but for me to encounter at the right place and at the right time.

In The Middle of Uncertainty Will I Find My Other Half?

People no matter how many times they say they don’t need love: someone to love or someone to love them, But the truth is each of us needs it and it’s reality a basic need it is. I try to experience falling in love like in teen romance novel would be like, like the fairytale and movies would so. At a young age I become so idealistic in falling in love because I never know what love really is what is it’s form or how do I know if it is love then.  I begin to set my standards to people I fall with it should be someone taller than me of course, good looking, talented and smart  someone I could see better than me in every way. Yes indeed that idealistic view was indeed perfect at first many would envy and wish they were you…but I came to the point I never was happy instead it take my teenage happiness and I was stuck like a firefly inside a jar and my view on falling in love and loving change. I stop being idealistic and I become to embrace reality but reality sucks than ideal and it turned again my view towards love which closes the sympathetic aspects of me towards someone. Now I am in the middle between trust and mistrust among people’s feelings towards me because I know that ideal doesn’t exist in reality and reality really sucks. But still in the bottom of my heart, I wanted to find him…wanted to feel what real love is behind the idealistic and realistic view. I want to know how it feels to be really in love and be really love. But how ca I trust my feelings towards someone or someone’s feelings towards me. Now I was like in a middle of a tag of war, either I hold tight to this rope pulling me or hold tight and stand still because I am afraid to fall and get hurt. Now how will I find this so called other half if I closes my doors and I push people away? Will all this uncertainty eating up my whole system be gone? or will it consume me forever? How?What?Why?When?—-can I find you?