Life is A Battlefield

We often think that life is a constant race of humanity, proving the worth of their existence and a never ending journey for power and fame. This is always part of human evolution who strived for superiority and a thirst for acceptance of the so called high class society.

A high pace race with no finish line, wanting to outrun each other…causing trouble and miseries to people and mostly to our selves.  This is the main reason why people think they fail life. When people give up a single chance of hope and when people drown in despair and self pity towards a race they should never entered.

Because life is simple, life is not a designed to have a race between each other. Life is not designed to outrun and over power someone. Our life is genuinely designed to make this world a better place, with our unique capabilities and personality. We are different from the way we look and think, just like the patter of our finger prints…there will never be something similar as it. We live with a purpose to be happy and to be us.

Life is not a race; it is more of a battlefield. There’s always some kind of turbulence, struggle and challenge in life. Sometimes you’re at war with yourself, sometimes it’s with others.  But life a battlefield of our own mind and how you see and perceive it, how it influences you, and, in the end, you are alone in your own mind and how that affects you. It is the process of mapping the likely consequences of choices, working out the importance of individual factors, and choosing the best course of action to take, following the basic rule on the battlefield “THY KNOW YOURSELF”.

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Never Been Better

Never Been Better

This is definitely for you…I know you don’t like me, but you’re decent enough not to say it to my face, so here I am trying to wake myself, stepping out of your shadows and accepting my fate. If it isn’t too tacky, I would ask you a few things before I leave, but I realized that it would hurt more if I knew the reasons why you never considered me though. So let me just cut the hound and utter it out. Tell me, why?

Is it because I am ugly? Fat? Unattractive? Or am I too intolerable? Am I too demanding and too much for attention? Have I been bad to you or have I said something to offend you or turn you off?

You know what, I would definitely wished for you to answer it.

It would be beneficial for my healing, and for me it wouldn’t  add insult to injury if I knew how unlikable I am, somehow it can help me wake up from the self  I think is good enough.

I feel so insecure right now to every girl who gathers up your attention…I never felt fear and defeat this way, to be honest, and I have to gather up myself because you never really considered the things I can do, and not choosing me means missing out on the great moments that I can make memorable. I’m pretty sweet you know I guess you can never see it superficially into me, I like to surprise, but I guess all these surprises I was thinking of giving you would just be reserved for someone who will appreciate it.

I am not bitter, if that is what you think, and this is not me being defensive for so, I just want you to know that I am okay with you not liking me, sure it’s painful for now somehow, but I know one day I’m going to wake up and just laugh about it because I’m going to wake up with someone better at my side. Beside I started everything for a simple childly joke so probably better end it with a side joke as well.

I like you, but I don’t love you. Love is so much different from like, I am infatuated by you for a hundred of attentions I put into you, but my feelings aren’t that strong to roll in the deep despair of losing you.

Sure we could have had it all, but having it all with you isn’t my fate. I know I am good enough for someone who can see who I am, with every baggage I carry on my shoulders, and I am certain that with your baggage right now you have this that and those, you can’t handle mine too.  So yeah, I hope you find someone who can jive in with you naturally.

Maybe you’ve gotten too complacent with my feelings and you’ve lost the challenge of having me because you knew that I am yours, almost.  I guess I am never a challenge to you most guys would love challenges though so maybe your one of those guys. Well, thank you…thank you for not seeing me as a lady but a child. I am mad of you being so good  at me, giving me false hope, saying sweet things to me making me think somehow you’ll fall for me too. Well, definitely some would appreciate that kindness you’ve shown but for me it’s not…I  hated it.

I am a bundle of joy (and drama sometimes) but mostly I laugh at small crazy things that you may think corny and crazy, and as I am writing these, it comes to me one by one, how uptight you are with your life and how I am judging you right now~ Hehe. It’s funny how I can laugh about this now while last night I was really sad about it.

Yes, I am sad, insecure and somehow so negative about having you…because I know I can’t be the girl you will like not now and not in the near future… not forever.  It makes me sad how much you care for me not to get hurt but the thing your kindness kills me each day…giving me more pretentious smile to make my day work.

I know I made this game so long, I somehow thought I couldn’t fell anything somehow but I feel jealous, annoyed and depressed when someone approaches you and you delightly approached them too ‘coz I know I am too far away from the line of choice. Yes, I maybe pathetic but I never consider myself unlucky…maybe this isn’t my time and you aren’t the one. This is what I am thankful instead maybe God is preparing me for someone great and more than you… or maybe still I am just paying my dept form Mr. Karma surely I have lots of paying moments to do.

So chill,  I am not the person who plants grudge and do revenge for not being wanted, That would just be awful, but let me tell you this; at this moment…you being good to me is… NEVER BEEN BETTER.

people I met before would say I’ve change not 10% but a hundred. Somehow I started to smile and laugh beneath my consciousness… because I’ve never changed not a hundred not even a bit. For I just discover the greater and brighter side of life and somehow I understand how life runs. I guess they didn’t just pay attention to the old me before.

Before Year Ends

I’ve been full of hatred and full of mistrust on things around me and I lose faith on peoples’ feelings. I don’t trust and I don’t believe that is what I have for so long and mostly I don’t invest my feelings genuinely. I changed a lot from that happy and expressive person to a person who suppresses them all.

 Almost 6 years we’ve been and the single thing we are good at is to act well in front of people that we are a good couple and we got the best of both worlds.  I never was happy, even how much I try and pull everything in. I never felt the genuine happiness I wanted because everytime I buried my hatred for you.

The moment we broke up I was so sure of it, the thing inside me is that we never learn to grow while we are together so I come to think that we never are a good help for each other to mature and maybe separately we will grow.

The night I say goodbye…I know I have to stand the decisions I’ve made, but I wish you could give it another try. I was hoping you’ll never give up and give another try before we really say goodbye. But it never happened ‘because you gave up instantly.

I was disappointed, for you but more to myself. Why? Because I’ve been right all along that you are not the person who’ll fight and do everything for me but I still look into possibilities that somehow that thought inside me for five years was wrong. I somehow believe in your words that you are lonely without me and you can’t live without me…but I guess I just fall into that sweet line because you gave me up so easily.

I was mad, mad at you really but more mad to me. You never really knew the real me. You never dare to know about me…you never try to dig in what’s into me. You never wanted to know the me behind the smile and my cool spoiled act. I was mad at myself believing we can grow and be perfect couple, I was mad at myself for wasting my youthful days hoping I’ll have great love story with you.

 

I was full of hate, for you for never believing in me and for hating me so badly and never wanting a truce of all the things we’ve been through. I hated you for throwing everything away and not saving the friendship we once have, I hated you for not being a sport in this game we play together. But, I hated myself for slowly forgiving and missing the moment that we have been through. I miss the moment when I wrote songs and you sang and improve it. I miss the moment we play sports and do karate because neither of us wanted to lose within each other. I miss the moment we used to play child game when we are bored even betting over a phone game. I miss us playing dota, it was fun and I hated myself for still thinking of it.

 

I was sorry, for myself for everything that is gone to waste and spend my time for nothing. But I was sorrier for you, for not believing in us from the start and for not giving you the genuine love you somehow deserve maybe. I was sorry for hurting you so bad if ever I am. I was sorry for the things I’ve done meanly. Mostly I was sorry that I hold on unto us for so long, I should have let go of you earlier.

I am happy, for you that finally you’ll find someone who will love you for sure and you will be happy then. I am happier for myself because finally I am free from your web and finally I get what I wanted.

Yes, this is what I have felt for so long and I never dare to accept it because this feelings sucks. For as how much I am disappointed, mad or hated to you, I was more to myself. I just wanted you to be my friend but you never give it a try to be my friend instead. Maybe if just become good friends before no greater damage would be caused into our lives and I never would still have faith on what love really is.

 

Before this year ends I am now admitting my deepest emotions, I am now letting go of all the hate, sorry, disappointments taht I’ve been keeping all along. 

 

I’ll be now empty with negativity facing this new year. I hope

 

I Wish I Could be Real

I Wish I Could be Real

Some people are blunt; they talk out what they feel and what they think. Many would find them annoying, some would say they are too attention seeker. But for my part, I envy those people who talked what their hearts and mind says. I never have been direct or expressive in feelings I have…I consider crying as a sign of weakness. I don’t my genuine thought and enigmas because I believe that people in nature has tendency to stab us behind. This is what I have in, I wanted to change but I am this proud of that personality and belief for with that I survived up until this day.  There are times I wanted to breakout, crash the walls I build around people, try to be impulsive and be real in what I feel. But fear comes to me first…yes, I am a coward dress in a cloak of a knight.  I am afraid to get hurt, I am afraid to feel pain even I have it inside me. Numb? Maybe that is the word. But I am never numb, I feel the pain inside me…I feel the eagerness to do things but there is a chain inside me holding me from doing and expressing such self. I am alone and forever be…this is what I view my life to be. I don’t dare to care and to love because I need to handle myself first than anyone else. This is the life i choose to live, the life I designed for my design self. I smile but I don’t know if it is real…’coz deep inside me…I WISH I COULD BE REAL.  

Change: Chosen

I wake up in a beautiful dream…as I open my eyes, I was alone. Alone, in the dark and scary woods that even a sound birds and moth was nowhere to be heard. Am I deaf? This is the question I asked for myself. Again I continue to walk and wonder the place I in; different from the beautiful dream I was from. Why did I wake up? Why everything has to turn out this way, why can’t I just sleep and be there than walked into this dark unfamiliar path? Questions are raging into me, despair and fear was all covered up into me. I can never survive in this path, not in this game. Why do I have to be in here? Even I asked for more I can’t do anything but to just go along the path…alone and afraid I begun to trust no one. I began to believe in no one…begun to change what I believe in, that dreams and reality are always parallel. I become stronger and tougher gathered all up in order to survive. This is what people called change…change to survive and change to be able to stand up against all odds life will cost me.

Miss Say Nothing at All (from a guys’ perspective)

You look to me in the eye, stare like you want to take my breath away. And when I see you smile, it felt like a thousand butterflies. You may think you’re not pretty and skinny but for me you are perfectly fine.

You shine like the sun, sparkle like a diamond and enchant me with a feeling I can’t explain.

I wanted to go near you, talk and make you laugh… but this fear inside me tied me up and locks me down. I pretend not to care, I pretend to be unaware…I am holding myself not to fall for a girl.

Afraid to be dump, afraid to be laugh at, afraid to have mistaken…yes, I am a guy…but I am a scaredy-cat when it comes to you. You never say a thing, you never give a hint…how can I be sure that you’re falling for me too? When all I see is your smiling back at me, so please Miss Say Nothing at all…tell me you care, tell me you dare.  I want to hear it from you and not for the friends you share.  Miss Say Nothing at all just say a little more so I can break this shackle of fright and make me dare to want you more.